You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
