Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
