I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
