There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
