I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
