i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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