You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
