You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
