You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
