So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
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