Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
