Need sex. Gaining weight.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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