Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
3pm strippers are depressing
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
