Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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