I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
