gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
