Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
