He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Acid is not a monday night drug
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
