Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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