using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Randomize
