The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Randomize
