he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
