Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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