I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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