We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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