wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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