Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
last night I used snow as a chaser
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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