I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
