I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
