Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It's never too late to be topless.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
