I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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