I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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