just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
