THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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