I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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