On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
