I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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