I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
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