When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
