Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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