My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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