you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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