We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
