I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
