I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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