her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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