Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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