he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
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