Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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