I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
