I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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