Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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