Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
